Cap'n Drakken

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By Campy
Monique: South Beach Bay Harbor, girl! A whole week of sun, fun, roller coasters, and we're havin' --
Ron: Comin' through! Yeah, I had to finish loading my poolside pack. CDs, DVDs and mp3s, plus the multimedia player, backup player, and backup backup player.
Kim: You fit all that in there?
Ron: No way. My clothes are in here. This is my poolside pack.
Kim: Overpacked and ready to go.
Bonnie: We're only staying a week, Ron.
Barkin: Listen up, senior trippers! This year's outing to South Beach Bay Harbor has regrettably been cancelled.
Seniors: What? Come on! Aw, Bummer!
Kim: What happened, Mr. Barkin?
Barkin: Freak storm.
Ron: Define 'freak'.
Barkin: Volcanic ash.
Kim and Ron: Huh?
Monique: Well there's plenty of other senior trip sites. What about North Beach Bay Harbor?
Barkin: Booked.
Kim: West Beach Bay Harbor?
Barkin: Booked.
Ron: East Beach --
Barkin: Everything's booked, people! But, fortunately, through my connections, I got you in at Port Mystic Cove Haven.
Ron: Likin' the word 'cove.' Still sounds like watery fun!
Barkin: If by 'watery fun' you mean a living history town.
Kim: Living history?
Barkin: For the next week you will dress, speak and work as though you were living in the eighteenth century.
Seniors: Come on! What? Are you kidding? No way! etc.
Barkin: Hey! This isn't a vacation, people, this is an assignment!
Monique: We're going to be graded? Be we weren't going to be graded on our other trip.
Barkin: Heh, says you. Now start boarding. Not that ride, Stoppable.
Ron: Then how are we getting there?
Barkin: Move! That! Bus!
Monique: Ooh.
Ron: Uhhhh ...
Ron: Wow. No cars, no movie theaters, and not one Bueno Nacho. How do they live?
Kim: On hard work and simple pleasures?
Monique: Sure, who needs movies when you can hit the Friday night witch trials?
Ron: And cool suits of armor! Hey hey hey!
Kim: DNT sign, Ron.
Ron: Aw, man, I hate the DNT.
Bonnie: Great! Now I've got buggy bottom.
Ron: Well, okay, okay, so it's no South Beach Bay Harbor, but at least Barkin's off our back for the week.
Barkin: I'll taketh that, milady. Franklin Barkin be the name, father to Steven Barkin, and mayor of this historic burg.
Ron: It's like he's the Barkin of yore.
Barkin: I'm watching thee, Stoppable.
Barkin: Hear ye, hear ye, visitors to Port Mystic Cove Haven. For the next week ye shall conduct yourselves thusly: ye shall be assigned a trade, ye shall wear period dress --
Ron: Oh, no! I will not be caught wearing a dress ... y'know, again.
Rufus: Nuh uh.
Barkin: Ye shall honor tradition and embrace our way of life or ye shall travel home with a grade most foul. Now, ye shall surrender all modern technology in this wagon forthwith. That includeth ye olde poolside pack.
Remy: Poolside pack, hand it over! Brawwk!
Ron: Aw, man!
Rufus: Aw!
Remy: Decoy! Decoy! Brawwk!
Barkin: Fine work, Remy! Dost thou take me for a coxcomb, lad?
Ron: Um, I'm not sure?
Bonnie: How am I supposed to text without my cell?
Barkin: We call it writin' ye olde letter.
Bonnie: Tch. Total ye olde school.
Kim: Bonnie, are you going to complain the entire week?
Bonnie: Somebody has to. Besides, we're not being graded on attitude.
Barkin: Who sayeth, lassie? Ye just lost two of thy one hundred points.
Ron: Bum diggity, Bon-Bon! Heh heh.
Barkin: And that costeth thee, too! Language unbefitting. Ye appropriate retort beeth 'consarn it, Bon-Bon.'
Rufus: Aw.
Barkin: Ye four cleanest up nicely.
Bonnie: Yeah, for Halloween.
Barkin: Oh, cease with thy nattering! On these parchments ye shall find thy assigned trades. Reporteth for work on the morrow.
Ron: Blacksmith apprentice reporting for duty. Mr. B's dad? What, you're the blacksmith too?
Barkin: Aye. Til the return of Mr. Littleton after ye olde unfortunate branding incident.
Remy: Ha ha ha ha ha. Brawwk!
Ron: Okay, so ... what are we making today?
Barkin: Horseshoes.
Ron: Impressive. Impressive. Yes, but why not cow shoes? Y'know, standing all day in that pasture, good arch support wouldn't hurt. Heh heh.
Kim: So, this contraption makes butter, does it, ma'am? Oh!
Barkin: A churn, 'tis called. I -- I wearest many hats ... some are bonnets. Observe, it is in the wrist.
Kim: Like this?
Barkin: Good, lass. I'll checketh back with thee in six hours.
Kim: Six hours?!Bonnie: Can't we just get eggs like the rest of the world? Off the Internet? Fine, I'll do it the ancient way.Shego: Does the new lair really need to be at the bottom of the sea?
Drakken: Yes! For the bottom of the sea is ...
Shego and Drakken: 'the perfect location for my new Doom Ray!'
Shego: Yeah, yeah, and yet, still no clue what it's gonna do?
Drakken: No. But we're going to need a space for it just the same.
Henchman: Dr. Drakken, something is stuck in the tube.
Drakken: Have all the henchmen been accounted for?
Henchman: Affirmative, sir.
Drakken: Hmmm, this is an actual dilemma, then. Reverse the flow. Wait, no! Not in here! Ah! Yeannng!
Kim: Hee hee hee hee......
Bonnie: Ahhh! Get off of me! Shoo! Shoo! Get away!
Ron: Aw, man, c'mon! Not more points! Uh, I mean, consarn it.
Kim: Uh, Ron? What are you doing?
Ron: Watching TV. It's a Monday night tradition in my family. Actually, it's an every night tradition in my family.
Kim: But you're not supposed to be ... that's not TV, it's fireflies.
Ron: Bup bup bup bup, gotta see how the car chase ends. I can talk during the commercial, thank you.
Kim: Oooo-kay.
Monique: Where's Ron?
Kim: Don't ask. So, I'm just in time for ...?
Monique: Barkin Senior is regaling us with tales of the town's steely resolve.
Barkin: Aye. For three hundred years this community has fought to preserve our way of life. Be it resisting the mighty hand of modern technology or fending off the greedy likes of pirates.
Ron: Did someone say pirates?
Kim: I thought you were watching TV in a jar?
Ron: Eh, it was all reruns.
Rufus: Reruns, phew!
Barkin: We wouldn't have our feathery friend Remy here were it not for our town's triumph over the ruthless Blackeye Brown back in 1725. We sunk his ship, claimed his sword, and his loyal parrot Roger.
Ron: Jolly Roger?
Barkin: Nah, he was a cranky bird, until he settled down to sire a fine brood.
Kim: So, Remy is descended from Blackeye's parrot Roger?
Barkin: Fifth generation, 'tis he.
Remy: Remy's famous, big star, brawwk!
Ron: That must have been so cool, to, y'know, to fight off the bad guys and save an entire town!
Kim: Uh, Ron? We do it on a daily basis.
Drakken: I'm putting this foul-up in each of your permanent records.
Shego: Uh, Dr. D.
Drakken: Ooh! Just as soon as I open my new treasure chest! Ooh, Shego! Treasure! And it's all mine!
Shego: Do you see that skull and crossbones. It doesn't exactly say 'open me.'
Drakken: Yeah, when have I ever cared about warning labels, Shego?
Shego: Got me there.
Drakken: Gold, Shego! We must celebrate. Bring 'round the cured pork and rum, yearrh! Okay, that was wrong. Aye, but 'tis feelin' so right! Yearrh.
Shego: Hmmm?
Ron: Top o' the morning, Mr. Barkin.
Barkin: Good day, good day, Stoppable. 'Twould seem ye've gained the upper hand at smithin'.
Ron: Oh, just trying to earn back some points.
Remy: Brawwk! Cheater! No help allowed. Missed me! Brawwk!
Ron: Uh oh. Okay, fire! Fire! We're gonna need some ... water. Thank you.
Remy: Ha hah ha ha ha. Brawwk.
Kim: DNT, Ron.
Ron: No, I wasn't -- I was just sorta -- Okay, I was, don't say anything.
Kim: I won't. You can't spare the points.
Ron: What's in the dish?
Kim: I made butter.
Ron: Hey, cool, look at that! There's almost enough for a cracker. Where's the rest?
Kim: This is the rest.
Kim: Bonnie! Out of the poultry biz?
Bonnie: Creative differences.
Ron: Fired, huh?
Bonnie: Speaking of fires, how goes the blacksmithing?
Ron: Accident! Not my fault!
Kim: Careful, Bonnie. You know what they do to witches in this town.
Kim: Well there's something you don't see every day. Wade ... on a horse.
Ron: Y'know, I bet it's not real. Probably a robo-horse he built in his room or something.
Kim: Hey, Wade!
Wade: 'Sup, Kim? I tracked your location when you didn't answer the Kimmunicator.
Kim: Sorry. Confiscated.
Wade: I figured. They're serious about historical accuracy here.
Ron: Ah ha ha! The control panel. Ow! Or not.
Wade: Drakken's got a new lab.
Kim: Not cool.
Wade: An undersea lab.
Ron: Well, I mean it's sorta cool.
Kim: Mmmm.
Ron: Y'know, in a 'we're gonna destroy that' kinda way.
Kim: Spankin', Wade! But not exactly eighteenth century.
Ron: Gotta save the world, Kim.
Kim: Oh, you just wanna watch satellite TV.
Remy: Brawwk! Busted! Spankin' yacht, against the rules.
Rufus: Ew, Remy.
Kim: And no one's gonna squawk about this, either.
Kim: Drakken's lair should be right beneath us.
Ron: Rufus, guard the yacht ... and the prisoner.
Rufus: Aye aye.
Shego: Okay, Dr. D, I found a buyer for the treasure chest, but he won't pay for shipping. Whaddya think?
Drakken: Sell me treasure? Ye best be stickin' to the code, Shego.
Shego: Yeah, and what code is that? The outdated-look code?
Drakken: So? I feel compelled to let out my inner pirate. I thought the retro look was in?
Kim: But undersea labs are out.
Drakken: Kim Possible! Avast, Shego. Capture these scurvy dogs at once.
Kim: Scurvy dogs?
Ron: Uh, it has a certain offensiveness to it.
Shego: Ah!
Kim: Y'know, I wouldn't. You might break a glass window.
Ron: And let in the ocean!
Drakken: Nggh. They have a point.
Ron: A very sharp point.
Shego and Drakken:
Kim: I promised Ron he could do it.
Drakken: Shego! To the escape craft! And save my booty.
Shego: If I had a doubloon for every time I've done that.
Remy: Blackeye! Brawwk!
Drakken: Aye. Set the mainsail, wench.
Shego: Okay, first of all we don't have any sails. Second of all, call me 'wench' again and we'll be planning a burial at sea.
Drakken: Yearr. Arrgh.
Kim: Thanks, Rufus.
Ron: Uh, Rufus? Where's the prisoner?
Rufus: Uh oh.
Drakken: Heave to, Shego.
Shego: Okay, if you don't quit barking that stupid gibberish at me ...
Remy: Heave to. Stop the ship. Brawwk.
Shego: Hey! One birdbrain ordering me around is enough.
Drakken: Yearr. Stick to the code, Shego.
Shego: Yeah, I don't know what that means, and you know the pirate bit? It's getting old. Ever since you opened that stupid treasure chest ...
Remy: Brawwk! Treasure chest. Blackeye's back.
Shego: Who's Blackeye?
Remy: Blackeye Brown. Brawwk.
Shego: Blackeye Brown ... ruthless pirate guy ... bluppety blah blah .. magical silver cutlass ... still in the town lighthouse. Huh ... vowed revenge from beyond the grave.
Drakken: Arrgh.
Shego: So if Drakken is possessed by the spirit of this Blackeye guy, then he probably wants us to go --
Drakken: To the lighthouse, Shego! Me magical sword awaits. With its power in me grip, victory will be ours!
Shego: Aye aye, Cap'n.
Remy: Brawwk! Victory!
Kim: Did you notice how Drakken's become sort of ... piratey?
Ron: Midlife crisis, KP. Some guys buy sports cars, others turn pirate. It happens. Rufus, more bubbleage. Oh, now we're senior trippin'! A-boo yah. Oh c'mon, not more points. I don't have that many left.
Barkin: Fret not, young Stoppable, I can deduct points from thy other classes.
Townsman 1: Trouble in the lighthouse, Mayor. A funny-looking blue pirate and his green wench.
Kim: Drakken and Shego.
Barkin: The Silver Cutlass! Stop, thieves, by order of the constable!
Ron: Lemme guess, you?
Drakken: Mark me words, mates, I'll be back. We have a date with destiny, says I!
Barkin: The spirit of Blackeye Brown.
Townsman: He vowed to return one day.
Barkin: And conquer our fair town.
Drakken: Me hearties! The time has come!
Shego: Y'know, you've been calling for those 'hearties' of yours for an hour now. I think that sword has seen better days.
Drakken: Hold yer tongue! Yer ruinin' me big moment.
Shego: Huh?
Pirate: Ahoy, Cap'n.
Shego: Then again, methinks meself wrong.
Pirate: Welcome home, Cap'n Blackeye Brown.
Drakken: Make sail, Scully. Today, we conquer Port Mystic Cove Haven.
Townsman 2: Pirates! We're under attack!
Townsman 1: Margie, grab the kids, we're fleeing to our condo in Boca.
Ron: So much for historical accuracy.
Kim: Aye.
Drakken: Ready, cannon three. Fire!
Shego: Y'now, this whole possessed pirate thing has turned you into one dangerous dude. It's a refreshing change of pace.
Kim: Uh, Ron?
Ron: No way, KP, I've already failed, I'm going high-tech luxury all the way....
Ron: Ah! Like I said, Kim, if we're gonna save this town we're gonna do it their way.
Kim: Just as soon as we learn how to drive it.
Barkin: Perhaps an old salt might be of assist.
Ron: Actually, what we need is someone to captain this bad boy, we ... oh, right.
Kim: Captain Barkin, I presume.
Barkin: Aye, but one captain alone does not a crew make. Would thou be willing to sail under my command?
Kim: Sir, we have an accord.
Rufus: Tada!
Ron: Way to go, Rufus!
Barkin: Weigh anchor! Hoist the main sail! Ready the rudder!
Ron: Aye aye, Captain. Heh heh. Okay, like, what's a rudder?
Barkin: All hands, lassies, quickly!
Bonnie: He's so not talking to us, right?
Monique: Yep, I think he was talkin' to us.
Bonnie: Fine, fight the big, bad pirate. I'll be waiting on the Lido Deck.
Monique: This isn't a cruise ship, Bonnie.
Kim: Whoa!
Monique: That girl needs a costume change. Dated, but doable.
Barkin: Hard to starboard, Mr. Stoppable.........Ye other starboard!
Kim: Thanks for buckling the swash, Monique.
Monique: 'Tis my pleasure.
Barkin: Right rudder, Stoppable.
Ron: What?
Barkin: Right rudder!
Ron: White otter? Where?
Bonnie: Let me off this thing.
Kim: Well, yo ho yo ho.
Drakken: Aye, ye think yer all that, lass, but nay! 'Tis not so!
Kim: Yeah, and the pirate's life? So not for you. Huh?
Drakken: 'Tis the end of me old mortal enemy, says I.
Shego: That honor goes to me, Blackbeard.
Pirate: Arr. 'Tis mutinous.
Drakken: Yearr! BlackEYE! Not Blackbeard. Enough o' yer interferin'. Throw her into the stockade, me hearties.
Shego: Now just a swashbucklin' minute, me buckos! What! What are you-- get off--
Drakken: Now, that one! Attack!
Drakken: There be no one t' save ye now!
Bonnie: Kim is so gonna pay for this.
Drakken: Fare thee well, Kim Possible!
Ron: Kim!
Drakken: What?! Me loyal sidekick?!
Barkin: Nice one, Remy! I knew ya weren't a traitor.
Remy: Brawwk! Remy's a parrot, not a pirate.
Drakken: Good! Shego, give me the sword.
Shego: After throwing me in the stockade? Yeah, that'd be a nay. I'm captain now.
Shego: Ye -- thee to get them -- me hardlies. Okay, guess we're back to this.
Drakken: Eh? What happened? Have I taken over the world? Somehow I thought it'd be drier.
Shego: C'mon, ya swab.
Bonnie: Can we please dock this thing?
Kim: No problem, Bonnie. I sense a change in the wind.
Barkin: Boo-yah! Heh heh, ye know what I mean.
Barkin: And for thy bravery and authentic battle tactics I hereby awardeth each of ye an “A.”
Kim and Monique and Bonnie: Ha ha, Yes!
Monique: Where's Ron?
Kim: I'm not sure, but I've got a hunch.
Ron: Little help, somebody!
Kim: Ya had to T it, didn'tcha, Ron?
Ron: Well, um, okay, yes, I had to try on the cool suit of armor.
Barkin: It's not a suit of armor, lad. Pirates wore it for their hanging.
Ron: Ah ha ha ha! Get me out! Consarn it!



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